The human organism boils down to a few basic impulses.
When pushed into a corner – fight.
When resources are abundant – fuck.
When resources are scarce – survive.
The burning ember at the bottom of all of our desires – that raw nerve that remains when everything else is tossed away only has one thing in mind. May this organism continue.
But wild, exuberant freedom, the stuff dreams are made of, only comes when that snaps too. When the desire for freedom exceeds the desire to survive. Then and ONLY then, can you life fully.
Before then, it's all a ruse, protection, a shell game. How can I get more sex? How can I win against my rivals? How can life be more pleasurable?. And maybe, for some of you, that game is some gross distorted lie like, "How can I make a difference in the world?" Yuck.
Eventually, when you're burned down, there's still this rotting center that needs to be eliminated.
I must survive. I must continue.
For the longest time this was my enemy to battle. Before I knew even the slightest taste of freedom, this was my stealthy demon. If I really go for it, dive in and taste life, isn't there a chance I will die?
Yeah, sure there is.
But the bargain, as I'm sure you know, could not be any better.
Your limited vision, your miserable scraps, for sweet, utter infinity? There could not be a smaller price to pay for such a treasure.
Yet that's the price we refuse to pay. Over and over and over again.
Initially what I wanted was simple. An income that could support me without thinking about it while I get this life stuff figured out. First I tried some businesses. Some apprenticeships. Recently, I even had an offer from a railroad baron to have a no-questions-asked bank account.
But eventually, all that had to go.
If you've still got a string, you're not flying freely. And it doesn't matter what the string is, they're all attachments.
If a bungie jumper went without a cord, if a scuba diver dove without a tank, what would happen?
You get the most pure expression of life. Free divers.
If you're serious about tasting life, all attachment have to be rooted up like the weeds that they are. No matter what it is, no matter the obligation, it has to be abandoned, fully, totally and utterly, and surrender the totality of your being to uncertainty.
That's hard, I get it. But it's the only way out. This much is clear.
Abandon ANY hope of a next time, next life, and stake this life that you have on the truth. It's the only way.